


This Is Me Trying – Kara’s Time Without Lena

by Jeep_Girl



Series: This is Me Trying [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Coping, F/F, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:33:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28100202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeep_Girl/pseuds/Jeep_Girl
Summary: This is a one-shot snapshot of the time skipped over in the original story This Is Me Trying. Specifically, it picks up when Kara arrives in Midvale and covers the 8ish months before Kara finally reconnects with Lena in the original story. I would recommend reading that story first to give you context into Kara's state of mind (she lost her memories). Chapters 1-8 happened before this, while 9-15 happen after.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kelly Olsen, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Series: This is Me Trying [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006803
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	This Is Me Trying – Kara’s Time Without Lena

**Author's Note:**

> Hi folks, I am finally taking the time to prioritize writing again. Here is a one-shot. I am still working on Lena's side during this time, which will also be a one-shot. That will come next. And then I will be writing Part 2 of this story. I hope you all enjoy! :)

Kara lands in the tree line, near her first home on Earth. It’s the first time Kara feels like she can breathe since she woke up at the DEO all those weeks ago and learned the truth about her memories and her life. She takes a deep breath in, closing her eyes, letting her other senses take over for a moment. She can feel the slight fall breeze over her skin on her face and hands. She can smell the pine from the trees. Opening her eyes, Kara steps out from the trees and starts towards the familiar house. Eliza is sitting on the porch swing, awaiting her arrival. Upon seeing Kara, she jumps up and walks quickly towards Kara, engulfing her in a hug. Kara drops her bags on the ground, tears she has been refusing to let out finally gushing forward from her body despite her protests.

Kara and Eliza eventually make their way into the house. Kara deposits her belongings in her old room, still made up the same as it was when her and Alex shared it all those years ago. She then joins her adoptive mother downstairs at the kitchen table where a cup of hot chocolate is already waiting for her. She smiles warming at Eliza as she sips the warm beverage without a word for several minutes. Eliza, drinking her own hot chocolate, sits across from Kara.

Eliza finally breaks the silence. “Kara honey, you know you can talk to me.” Kara half-smiles. “I know… I just… I don’t even know what to say…”. Eliza nods knowingly. “Well, whenever you do want to talk, I’ll be here.” She reaches out and gives Kara’s hand a gentle squeeze. The two return to drinking their hot chocolate in silence for a few minutes.

“I don’t know if I made the right decision… in leaving National City… I just… I literally woke up and it’s like I’m living a completely different life than when I fell asleep… some of my friends aren’t even the same people anymore… Winn is gone… Cat is gone… James is gone… It’s just all so different… It was all so overwhelming… I started having panic attacks again…”

She looks up to Eliza, who is giving her a soft, motherly look while she reaches out and puts her hand on top of Kara’s to comfort her, silently comforting her and also letting her know it is ok to keep talking.

“And I just… I learn about all of these amazing things I have apparently done as Supergirl over the past five years… but it doesn’t feel like me because I feel like I am still just really learning how to use all my powers… and then there is the whole Lena situation…” Kara trails off after that, letting out a long sigh as she looks down, suddenly very interested in her own shoes.

Eliza squeezes her hand. “What about Lena honey?” Kara looks back up, surprise on her face. “You know Lena?” Eliza nods. “We met when I came for Thanksgiving a few years ago. At the time she was dating James.”

_Right. James and Lena dated. Right. Eliza doesn’t know that Lena and I were dating because no one knows._ Kara takes in another slow breath as the thoughts race through her brain, as she tries to organize her thoughts.

“I just… we had this huge falling out when she found out I was Supergirl… and then we reconciled… but it’s just so much to process because she is Lex’s brother and Clark is my cousin… and I just don’t remember any of it… and it’s all so overwhelming…”

Kara drops her head to the table, her feelings becoming too much as her breathing becomes shallow. She can feel the start of a panic attack coming on. Eliza, recognizing the signs, gets up and comes over to Kara’s side of the table, putting her hand on Kara’s back, taking Kara’s hand and putting it on her own chest.

“Kara sweetie, breathe with me, ok?” Kara does as she is told and follows Eliza’s breathing, taking in deep breaths and letting them out slowly. They do this for several minutes until Kara’s racing heart finally slows down.

Kara, feeling exhausted from it all, thanks Eliza before excusing herself to her room for the rest of the evening. She lays on her old bed, staring at the ceiling for hours, thinking back and just trying hard to remember, to recall memories she knows she can’t, because they were taken from her. Kara instead thinks about first waking up, how confused she was.

_Kara opened her eyes, under the sunlamps, knowing she is at the DEO, but once she started to take in her surroundings, the med bay looked different. She figured maybe she was in a different area, though, and brushed it off. She was still learning her way around the DEO, after all._

_“Hey… you’re awake,” She hears Alex and then sees her enter the room, a smile on her face. “You took quite a fall.”_

_Kara stares at her sister, clearly fazed for a moment. “Kara? Can you hear me?” Supergirl tilts her head slightly. “What happened to your hair?” Alex, confused by the question, stares back at her sister. Maybe she hit her head harder than they thought. “Um… what do you mean?” Kara laughs, thinking maybe Alex is trying to play a joke on her. “Oh, come on Alex. Your hair, you changed it. It’s shorter and stuff.”_

_Oh no, Alex thinks. She was so relieved when they brought Kara in and she had begun to heal, showing no permanent physical concerns. She never even considered there might be something wrong with Kara’s brain._

_“Kara, what year is it?” Kara looked at her sister incredulously. “Alex, come on.” Alex gave her sister a soft look. “Humor me, please.” Kara looked at her sister, rolled her eyes slightly at how much she was being treated like a human patient. “It’s 2015.”_

_Alex just stared at Kara. She didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t know how to break the news to her, that it was in fact, 2020. She made the decision to instead gather as much information as possible first. “What is the last thing you remember, before waking up in the DEO?” Kara, however, doesn’t want to play the role of patient. “Alex… what’s going on?” She looks at Kara, still unsure how to break the news to her. “I’m just trying to assess your mental state, you took quite a fall from very high up in the atmosphere.”_

_“I don’t remember that.” Kara blurts it out, without thinking and then looks to Alex, pleadingly. “Alex, what happened to me?” Alex finally walks up and sits down on the bed, taking Kara’s hand in her own. “You were fighting two alien ships that had entered Earth’s atmosphere unannounced, who had refused to communicate with us. But we lost you on the comms for a while and have no idea what was happening. The next thing we knew, one of the ships crashed and you plummeted back to the Earth too.”_

_“Oh…”_

_Alex, seeing the distress on her sister’s face over having no memory of the battle, tries again. “Kara, this is important. What is the last thing that you remember?” Kara sighs as she thinks back. She remembers fighting Livewire; she remembers fighting the military cyborg and losing her powers for the first time; she remembers fighting her Aunt Astra.”_

_“We just captured my Aunt Astra. Oh, are the alien ships related to Non?”_

_Alex looks at Kara, pity on her face. Kara stares back, a questioning confused look written on her face. “Alex, what is it? Did something happen with Astra?”_

_Alex looks away, starts scanning the room, attempting to find the courage for what she must tell her little sister. “Alex, what is it? Just tell me.”_

_“Kara…” Alex finally looks back at her sister. “You appear to be experiencing some memory loss right now… it isn’t 2015.”_

_It’s in that moment that the odd differences Kara noticed make sense – the DEO, Alex’s hair, the way Alex has been behaving with all the questions. “Ok… so what year is it?”_

_“2020.” Alex tries to say it firm and strong, but it comes out barely above a whisper. She watches the reality of it sink in with Kara, who stares at her in disbelief. “No…” She lets out in a whisper as tears fill her eyes. Alex pulls her in for a hug. “Hey, it’s going to be ok. I’m here and we will figure this out.” Alex knows she needs to be strong for Kara. Because right now, she knows she is one of a few people left in her life that she remembers and can lean on for support. It’s in that moment that Alex remembers Lena is on her way back and will be arriving any moment. She must warn her before she talks to Kara._

_Once they pull away from each other, Alex looks at her sister gently. “Hey, why don’t you try to get some rest while I try to come up with a way to help restore your memories, ok?” Kara nods. Alex gives her sister another hug before she leaves Kara to her own thoughts._

Pulling her mind back to the present in Midvale, Kara gets progressively more and more angry about the fact that she didn’t just lose her memories, they were taken from her. Why would someone take her memories from her? And why take them for so much of her time as Supergirl? Kara couldn’t figure it out. It just made her so… angry.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time the sun peaked through the window, Kara gave up trying to sleep and went outside. She fetched the axe from the shed and found the stack of wood behind Eliza’s house. She needed something, anything to occupy her mind. So, she started to chop wood, focusing on the feeling of the axe in her hands, the vibrations that reverberated through her hands, up her arms, throughout her body as she struck the wood. She had to focus to apply the exact right amount of pressure, otherwise the wood would simply explode under her sheer power. Between the mental math and the physical sensations – chopping wood did the trick.

It took Kara four hours before she ran out of wood to chop. By then, if she were human, her hands would have been covered in bloody blisters. Lucky for her, she was only covered in a thin layer of sweat and she was breathing somewhat heavily. She made her way back into the house to find Eliza at the table, a plate of food sitting ready for Kara to eat. Eliza didn’t push Kara to talk. She simply said good morning to her and offered her the food.

Despite the physical exertion, Kara found herself not super hungry. She ate half the amount she normally would. She still felt it inside herself, the anger and frustration… the violation of her memories… not just losing them, but them being taken away from her. For the first time that Kara can remember, she is so angry she isn’t that hungry.

Eliza notices, of course, but doesn’t comment. She simply takes the plate and stores the food for later. Kara leaves the kitchen without a word while her back is turned. She sighs to herself upon turning around to find her adopted daughter gone. Eliza knows Kara is going through something, but she isn’t sure how to reach her this time. She just hopes giving her the time and space to heal will be enough.

Meanwhile, Kara finds herself back in the woods. She is scouting for fallen trees she can carry back to the house to continue cutting. It takes her a little while, letting herself first wander the woods to refamiliarize herself with them after so long. She then starts to scout for fallen trees, making a pile of them in a nearby opening. She knows this will end up being way too much wood for any one home in a place that has mild winters at best, but Kara doesn’t care – she needs to do something, anything, to get out this energy she feels inside herself.

Kara spends her first two weeks in Midvale this way. She gets up at sunrise and chops wood for a few hours before joining Eliza for breakfast. She spends the day chopping wood or gathering more trees to chop. She doesn’t stop for a lunch break. She does come in for dinner. Kara’s portions continue to shrink over the two-week period. By the end of it, she is practically eating normal human portions. She doesn’t talk to Eliza, not really. Eliza feeds her and they make small talk. Eliza tells her about her work, which she has conveniently taken off from while Kara is home. After dinner, Kara excuses herself and spends the evenings on the roof, like she used to do with Alex, staring up at the stars. Sometimes she falls asleep on the roof. Sometimes she puts in the effort to crawl back into the room and into her bed.

Since Kara landed in Midvale, she turned her phone off. She had taken two weeks of vacation from Catco when she left. So, she made the decision to disconnect completely from National City. She hasn’t checked her phone or watched the news or asked about Alex when talking to Eliza. But now, on her 15th day in Midvale, she doesn’t go outside at dawn to chop wood. She knows her time is up. It is time to turn her phone back on and face the music, at least some of it.

Kara sighs, still wondering if she did the right thing… by coming to Midvale… by distancing herself from Lena… by having Alex deliver the message to Lena…

She turns her phone on and walks to her window to let the sun glow on her body as she waits for the phone to fully power on and load what she is sure to be plenty of missed messages and voicemails. She stares out the window, thinking back at her last encounter with Lena. It was six weeks ago. It was weird, this contradiction of feelings, this push and pull that Kara felt inside herself. It’s like, on one hand, her emotions are telling her she wanted to be near Lena, around her in whatever capacity she could. On the other hand, her brain is telling her to run away, that this woman used Kryptonite on her. She thought that maybe, she could keep her distance, but still be in the same city. And that would make things better. And Kara tried, she really did, to move past the suffocating feeling she had in National City. She thought it came from all the mixed feelings from learning about her history with the Luthor. But after spending a month in the city without any contact with Lena, she still couldn’t shake the feeling. Things didn’t feel quite right for her. So, she decided to come back to Midvale, hoping it would help get her head cleared. But she didn’t want to just disappear, even from Lena. Being in the same city, being Supergirl, Lena would still know she was ok. So, she gave Alex the letter to give to Lena. Because, even if Kara couldn’t remember their shared history, she felt this strong desire and need to still respect it, for Lena’s sake.

Kara is pulled from her mental contemplations by a beep on her phone. She wanders back to her bed, sitting down and lifting her phone up to find a slew of messages from her friends back in National City. She sees the most messages from Alex, unsurprising. But she also has messages from Nia, Brainy, Kelly, J’onn, and William. She also has some messages from James and Clark, which makes her smile a little. She spends the morning going through and responding to everyone who has sent messages to her. Given the two weeks of silence, she gets response back quickly from almost everyone, and she ends up in text conversation with several of them. Through it all, Kara can’t shake the feeling of disappointment she has though. She had hoped to have a message from Lena. Even though Kara knows she told Lena they should go their separate ways, she had the smallest bit of hope Lena wouldn’t listen to her…

Kara, struck with a sudden sense of anxiety over Lena’s well-being, googles Lena Luthor to see if she has been in the news in these past two weeks. She doesn’t find anything at all about her or about Lcorp… not even any paparazzi photos of her. Kara sighs, relieved and annoyed at the same time. She pulls her laptop out, ready to finally start combing through her Catco emails and connecting again with Andrea who had already agreed to Kara working remotely once her vacation was done. Luckily for Kara, Andrea didn’t really ask for a reason, she just said that Kara better continue to deliver good work, otherwise she would have to return to National City and explain herself. Kara has no intention of doing that any time soon.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kara spends the next couple of weeks trying to establish some sense of a new normal. She continues to wake up with the sun, but instead of chopping wood, she goes for a run. Eliza doesn’t say anything, but she is quite thankful that Kara is no longer chopping wood. She is already going to have a hard enough time using up or giving away all the wood that she already has now. After her run, Kara showers and joins Eliza for breakfast before making her way into town. Kara sets herself up at a coffee shop with her laptop where she spends the mornings working on articles for Catco. She usually buys a muffin and a coffee right before the lunch rush, though she only nibbles on it throughout the rest of the day as she continues to work. She rarely eats more than half of it. Kara finds herself getting antsy and unable to sit any longer in the early afternoon hours, and so she usually packs up around that time and heads out for the day. Sometimes she takes a walk around Midvale. Other days she helps Eliza around the house with gardening and such.

It’s about three weeks into this routine, on one of her afternoon walks that Kara spots a new store in Midvale, where one of her favorite ice cream shops used to be. While disappointed that she can no longer get her favorite ice cream, she wanders over to see what has replaced the ice cream shop. She is surprised to find it has no food at all, but instead a small art gallery. Kara tentatively opens the door and steps inside.

There are several paintings lining the walls, with a few on display in the center space of the small shop. Kara sees a couple in one corner, meandering their way around the store. Kara starts to take in the first painting when she sees a woman emerge from the back area. The woman has long dark hair that is pulled back in a ponytail. She has some paints on her hands, clearly having been working on her own pieces somewhere in the back. The woman greets the other customers first and asks if they need any help before making her way over to Kara.

“Hello, thank you for coming in today. Are you looking for something in particular?” The woman greets Kara with a warm smile. Kara is slightly stunned, seeing green eyes look back at her, she is reminded again of Lena. She stumbles over her words for a moment before finally getting out, “Oh… um… I was just looking around…” The woman nods and says to let her know if she needs help with anything before making her way back to the other couple, who have decided to make a purchase.

Kara continues to meander through the store, using her super-senses to pay attention to the exchange between the store owner and the couple making the purchase. When they finally complete the sale and exit the store, Kara decides to try this whole “being social” thing again. She makes her way up to the woman who smiles at her. “Did you find something you like?” Kara shakes her head slightly. “No, I was just wondering how long you’ve been open? I know this used to be an ice cream shop when I was growing up.” The woman takes in Kara’s appearance, as if she is trying to place her before finally answering her question. “I’ve been open for a month now. I recently moved back to the area. Did you grow up in Midvale?” Kara takes in a breath, knowing this answer often makes people respond with pity and sadness, which she kind of secretly hates. “Kind of. I moved here when I was 12. I was adopted by the Danvers.” Kara leaves it at that and gives the woman a beaming smile to let her know she is happy to have ended up with Eliza, Jeremiah, and Alex.

The woman nods. “Ah, well that explains it. I was trying to remember you. But I moved away around the same age. This is my first time back in Midvale since then. I guess you could say I am returning to my roots.” Kara smiles, knowing that is also exactly why she is back in Midvale – to connect with her roots, at least the ones she can reach. “So, you also paint?” Kara asks, nodding towards the woman’s paint-covered hands. The woman chuckles. “I do. I have a small room in the back that is set up as a studio.” Kara smiles, remembering how art was one of the ways she first coped when coming to Earth. “That’s awesome, what kind of things do you paint?” Kara, for the first time in weeks, shows some positive affect, which to anyone knowing Kara, knows just how infectious that can be. This woman is no exception to the Kryptonian’s charm. “Well, would you like to see it?” She asks Kara, who excitedly agrees. “My name is Sarah, by the way.”

“I’m Kara.”

Sarah shows Kara some of her own work, her current projects, and how her studio is set up generally. Kara is enamored, taken aback by the depth of Sarah’s art. It reminds Kara of how she used to spend so much time drawing and painting Krypton. She didn’t want to forget it. She realizes now that she still doesn’t want to forget it.

Eventually, Sarah asks Kara during their conversation if she also paints. She had a hunch, given just how much enthusiasm Kara was showing for the small art studio Sarah had built for herself. “I did a lot when I first got to Midvale and through out school… But I haven’t really done it much, especially in the last five years or so.” Kara knows, even without memories, that this is true. She saw the easel at her apartment, the dried-out paint, the untouched canvases. If she had to guess, she would assume she stopped painting when she became Supergirl, knowing how much more time that took up.

“Well, if you are looking for something to do, you’re welcome to come use the studio. It’s big enough for the two of us.” Kara is taken aback by the offer. She is still feeling quite suspicious, not having her memories. “Really?!... why?” She didn’t mean to ask; it was blurted out before she had time to think about it. Sarah doesn’t seem offended though, she instead regards Kara carefully as she chooses her next words. “Well… Kara, it seems like maybe I’m not the only one who has returned to Midvale recently for some personal, soul-searching reasons… And you seemed quite sad about the fact that you don’t paint anymore… As a fellow artist, how could I not offer you the chance to reclaim your artistic roots?”

Kara half smiles and nods, not wanting to completely confirm what Sarah just said, but not having the gull to deny it and lie.

And that is how Kara starts spending her afternoons painting. She starts out with small things, trying to re-hone her skills. Eventually though, she starts to paint exactly what she used to paint – images from Krypton. She paints various buildings, landscapes, and other features from her home planet. Anything she can remember.

And through all of this, she forms a new friendship with Sarah. Kara finds a kindred spirit in Sarah, in many ways. Neither ever talk about what brought them back to Midvale. They instead focus on art and their shared interests. And it is completely relieving to Kara, who constantly feels pressure from everyone else in her life because they all know about her memory loss. With Sarah, there is an unspoken understanding that they are both in Midvale because they both have something to work through, but neither of them relies on the other to help them on that specific journey – at least not directly. Kara doesn’t realize it for quite some time, but Sarah helps her significantly, but indirectly. Not only did she give her an outlet to reconnect with her artistic side and to help her focus on the memories she still has intact, but she also gives Kara a friend that isn’t always looking at her with pity or sadness in their eyes. Sarah treats Kara normal. And that is something she didn’t realize she needed until two months into her stay in Midvale, when Alex came to visit…

Kara was more nervous than excited about her sister visiting. But she tried to swallow her emotions down as she heard the car pull up, signaling Alex’s arrival. She was doubly surprised when Alex walked in with Kelly, a person Kara didn’t remember and didn’t really know. All she knew was that Kelly is a psychologist who works with vets with PTSD, often using VR technology to help in their treatment. Given everything Kara either remembers or she was told about… she was sure Kelly could tell right away (or probably already knew) that Kara resembled some of her patients. So, seeing Kelly in person, unexpectedly, put her immediately on edge.

Alex embraces Kara in a giant hug as soon as she walks into Eliza’s home. She hears more than sees Kelly, who smiles and says, “Hey Kara, it’s good to see you.” Kara gives a mumbled greeting before Alex chimes in, “Kelly ended up having off work today after all, so she was able to tag along.” Alex half smiles at Kara, trying to smooth over the surprise quickly, knowing she should have probably warned her sister about Kelly joining her on the weekend trip home.

Kara gives them both a smile, as warm as she can muster, trying to push through her own anxieties. “It’s great to see you both. Eliza is just finishing up cooking dinner. Shall we go see what she made?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alex manages to wait until the next morning to start questioning Kara’s plans for when she will be returning to National City. Alex decided to join Kara on her morning run, and they ended up taking a trail in the forest, eventually deciding to walk the rest of the way home, which is when Alex begins her sisterly interrogation. 

“I don’t really know Alex. I’m taking things one day at a time.” Kara says, picking her pace up slightly. Alex sighs from behind her but continues to press. “Well, it isn’t just me who is wondering. All our other friends keep asking me about it. So, I just thought maybe you have a plan for when you would be returning and starting to get things back on track…” At this comment, Kara turns and faces her sister, no longer walking. “I will come back when I feel good and ready to come back Alex.” The sisters stare each other down for a moment before Alex relents. “Alright Kara, message received.”

They walk in silence the rest of the way home.

And while Kara, for a brief moment, thought Alex got the message, she should have known better. It was after dinner that Kelly brought up the topic. And Kara could tell by the expression on Alex’s face, Alex wasn’t surprised in the least about the topic, nor did she seem willing to reign in her girlfriend. Though, Kara had to admit, Kelly’s approach was much softer and amenable than Alex’s. She casually brings it up while they are playing a card game after dinner.

“So, Kara, how have you been enjoying your stay in Midvale?” It’s the first time Alex or Kelly have asked Kara what she has been doing with her time these past two months. Kara smiles a little as she talks about painting again. She also brings up some of her assignments for Catco. Kelly responds in kind during the conversation, asking questions about her paintings and about work. It’s a few minutes after that, Kelly says, “Well it sounds like you coming to Midvale was exactly what you needed after everything.” Kara nods, knowing Kelly is right. Getting some space from National City, from her past that she can’t remember, has been doing her good. “I was wondering if you have any thoughts on coming back to National City?” Kara gives Kelly a curious look, unsure of the exact meaning of her question, so Kelly clarifies, “I mean, you can work remotely for Catco. So, you could stay here indefinitely. I was just wondering if that is what you are planning to do.” Kara sits back in her chair, thinking over Kelly’s statement. Kara had always intended to return to National City. She just wasn’t sure about when to do it. And if Kara was being honest with herself, she was anxious about the idea of going back. In part because she would finally go back to being Supergirl, which scared her because she doesn’t have the experience that the world is used to her having, not anymore. Not wanting to get into it, Kara simply responds with an “I don’t know,” and changes the subject to ask Kelly about her own work.

There was a big part of Kara that was anxious about returning for an entirely different reason. And on Alex and Kelly’s last meal before departing back to National City, Kara finally works up the nerve to ask them about Lena. Kara has continued to check news feeds and alerts on her phone but hasn’t heard or seen anything about Lena for the past two months. It’s like she is a ghost now, considering how often she was in the news or spotted by paparazzi. Though Kara fails to mention any of this to Alex and Kelly.

“Thank you both for filling me in on what everyone has been up to. I was wondering though… are you two in touch with Lena?” Alex and Kelly give each other a knowing look before Alex speaks up. “No one has heard from her since I delivered your letter Kara.” Kara responds with a saddened “Oh,” before she goes back to poking at her food, no longer feeling hungry. Instead, she is feeling guilty.

She gives Alex and Kelly both a hug before they depart. She sees it now, how well Alex and Kelly are together. Seeing them interact, anticipate each other’s needs, along with hearing some of the stories from the past that she should remember, Kelly and Alex are a good match. Kara can’t help but smile, thinking about how in tune with each other they seem to be.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time goes by uneventfully for Kara as she continues to spend her days working at the coffee shop before retreating to the back of Sarah’s studio. Sometimes Sarah is there with her, painting away. Other days, she is alone. Kara doesn’t mind it either way, as her and Sarah can work for hours in silence together. It’s something that Kara appreciates. Sometimes they work so long, Kara misses dinner with Eliza. On those days, she ends up getting a late dinner with Sarah in town.

She is having one of those late dinners the following Friday after Alex and Kelly’s visit. Sarah is chatting with her about some new painting techniques she is trying. Kara is inquisitive and excited to hear about it, eager to broaden her own skills. Sarah is talking about her latest painting, but after a moment of silene, she changes topics slightly.

“Kara, I notice you paint a lot of landscape and architecture, but they aren’t places I recognize.” Kara had just taken a bite of dinner, so she uses that to her advantage, trying to come up with exactly what she wants to tell Sarah. This is the point she would typically lie, cover her tracks and what not. But there is something so genuine and pure about her friendship with Sarah. So, Kara does something she has not done since Winn.

“That really isn’t that surprising… since they are from my home…” Kara trails off, suddenly losing the tiny bit of confidence she had just moments ago. Sarah, however, seems to catch that that wasn’t the full story. She eyes Kara curiously. “Where did you grow up before coming to Midvale to live with the Danvers?” Kara smiles shyly and simply points up. Sarah raises her eyebrow in confusion. “North of Midvale?” she asks. Kara shakes her head side to side as she cuffs her hands together, twisting them in anxiety. “I usually don’t tell many people this… and I hope this doesn’t change things between us. I really have enjoyed our friendship these past few weeks…”

“Kara – what are you saying?” Sarah asks, a new intensity to her voice as she senses Kara’s change in affect. “Um… well… I’m not from… Earth… the paintings are what I remember from my home… planet.”

An awkward silence follows Kara’s confession. When Kara finally works up the nerve to look at her friend, Sarah is staring at her intently. Kara gives her a half-smile, unsure what else to say at this point.

It’s Sarah that breaks the silence. “Kara… why are you telling me this? Why trust me with this information?” There is no anger in her voice, simply curiosity. Kara regards her closely as she thinks about how to respond. “I am trying to learn to trust my own judgment again… Not telling someone about my identity when I wanted to… well, I told them too late and it ruined everything between us… so this is me trying a different approach.” Kara doesn’t explain further, and Sarah doesn’t ask. She can tell this is something that is still very fresh for Kara.

“Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me Kara. You know, you aren’t my first… non-terrestrial friend actually.” Kara’s eyes go wide as she perks up about this information, excited to know more about Sarah’s life. The two spend the rest of dinner talking about Sarah’s high school friend, who had come to Earth with his mother, seeking refuge. Kara also shares some stories about her and Alex, about the sisterly shenanigans they used to get into when in high school. Kara doesn’t tell Sarah she is Supergirl, feeling a bit more pressure about sharing that specific part of her identity, focusing instead on her early years on Earth as Sarah talks about her own experiences during high school. They end up talking well into the night. And for the first time since Kara woke up after losing her memories, she doesn’t feel completely alone.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s a few days after this that Kara opens up more with Eliza, one evening at dinner.

“I lost all of these experiences… and I can’t get them back… maybe ever.” Kara blurts it out, suddenly filling the silence that usually accompanies their meals. Eliza gives Kara a weak smile and waits for Kara to continue. Kara huffs in frustration, finally verbalizing the pent-up emotions she had been carrying for the past few months. “And everyone treats me differently because of it. I’m still me, still Kara! I can still be a superhero. I can still be a good reporter at Catco. I can still have friends and a life. I may not be the exact same Kara that Alex and Lena and everyone else knew… but I am still me. I can still live my life.” Kara finishes somewhat deflated from when she started. The last statement, however, hangs in the air for Eliza to latch onto.

“Kara, sweetie, you are absolutely right. You can move on from this and live your life, however you decide. So, let me ask you this, is being in Midvale what you want to be doing now? Is this how you want to live your life?” There is no accusatory tone in Eliza’s voice. She is simply asking Kara with heartfelt genuine interest, trying to understand what Kara wants and needs in her life right now. But Eliza didn’t even need to ask it, because as soon as Kara said it, she realized that it wasn’t just Alex and the others holding her back. Kara was holding herself back too. She did so by deciding to stay in Midvale indefinitely.

Kara looks at Eliza, love in her eyes, feeling nothing but gratitude for having someone so understanding in her life. “No. It’s time for me to return to National City. It’s time for me to start reclaiming and living my life again.” Eliza reaches out and gives Kara’s hand a squeeze. Kara, however, gets up and pulls Eliza into a long overdue hug.

It takes Kara another week before she has everything set back up in National City with Catco and Supergirl duties. Alex as thrilled to hear about Kara’s decision and insisted that they have a game night to celebrate her return. Kara graciously accepted.

She also makes a special point to enjoy as much time with Sarah as she can before returning. She quickly updated Sarah as soon as she made the decision, letting Sarah know she was grateful that they had met and that she was ready to return to start rebuilding her life. The ever-perceptive Sarah nodded while giving a sweet smile. She was genuinely happy for Kara’s decision as she could see how happy and excited Kara was. She knew it was the right call. The two promised to stay in touch and Kara insisted that she would send pictures of updated paintings.

With one last long hug with Eliza. Kara headed back to National City, ready to face the challenges ahead of her.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kara’s transition back to National City was rough, particularly for Supergirl. Alex insisted that Kara go back to work in person for two weeks before making any appearances as Supergirl, to throw off suspicion. Dreamer and the others had done a great job while Kara was gone, but Supergirl making an appearance again seemed to spark a lot of speculation about her absence. At Catco, Andrea had assigned to William to write about it, which caused Kara to curse internally, knowing that William would ask Kara to help him get an exclusive. For once, she agreed with Alex that this was a horrible idea and that they should in no way do anything of the sort. The DEO instead set up a press conference to announce the return of the city’s hero, with the owner of the company making an appearance herself to welcome back Supergirl.

What Alex didn’t’ tell Kara, was that the entire event was orchestrated by Lena from the beginning. It was her idea for them to host a press conference and for Supergirl to not have any other press appearances. So, it was Lena who stepped up the podium first, in front of the Supergirl statue she had commissioned years prior. Lena took a breath before starting to speak, hoping that Kara would follow Alex’s instruction and not arrive until after Lena was gone from the stage.

Lena naturally had a plan for exactly what she would tell the public.

“Firstly, I want to thank everyone for coming today. As you all know, our original Superhero has returned to us after being gone for several months. I am here today to inform you that Supergirl’s absence was in fact a planned event. I want to personally thank Dreamer and the other heroes of the city for doing such good work in her absence. And while I cannot explicitly say why Supergirl was absent due to the mission being classified, what I can tell you is that it entailed an off-world mission. I will be taking no questions. Thank you.” With that, she quickly exited the stage.

Kara knew she was supposed to wait to appear until Alex was at the podium and called for her. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t watching Lena from afar. She didn’t know Lena would be there, but it makes sense since she owns the DEO. Kara grits her teeth as she realizes Alex must have known that but didn’t tell her. She lets out a sigh. While it feels good to be back in the city and be returning as Supergirl, she still feels a massive wall between her and Lena. And she has no idea how to break it, or if she should.

She feels the wall more solidly, when upon finishing the press conference with Alex, Lena is nowhere to be found, having left immediately after she finished speaking.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kara found a new routine after that. Or, as much of a routine as she could with being called away to be Supergirl on a regular basis. But even with that, she found herself enjoying when it happened. They faced various foes, from bank robbers to rogue aliens. Kara even did some training with Alex at the DEO. Aside from that, Kara found herself hyperfocused on work at Catco. She managed to write an article about a string of high-end burglaries that resulted in Supergirl and the DEO taking down an alien crime lord. She also wrote some fluff articles to appease Andrea. But overall, she found herself feeling excited and fulfilled about both of her jobs.

It was in the evenings that Kara felt most alone and still somewhat lost. When she finally had time to just sit and think, she would be bombarded with thoughts about what is missing from her life. She had a strong friend group that was practically family. And those that were newer, she was getting to know them all over again. And it was during one of their game nights that her friends finally asked her about something she had been dreading – her dating life.

Of course, it was Nia who brought it up, asking Kara if she had been on any dates lately. Kara rambled a bit about being busy with Catco and super duty, hoping that would be enough of an excuse.

It wasn’t.

“Oh, come on Kara, you’ve been back a few weeks now and are handling everything very well. Why not start dating again?” Nia says it so positive and expectant, like dating wasn’t the most terrifying aspect of being back. Alex, of course, adds her two sense. “Nia is right sis. You need to start putting yourself out there again…”

Kara didn’t have a good reason not to do it, at least not one that she was willing to admit out loud to anyone, herself included, anyway. Which is how she ended up letting Nia set up her online dating profile. Kara agreed to going on one date a week to start out. Though not before a physical shutter went threw her entire body. Kara knew it wasn’t a good idea. That it wouldn’t work. What she didn’t know, was that Nia and Alex were actually hoping this would be the push that Kara needed to reach back out to Lena. Both women knew Kara missed Lena, even if she wouldn’t admit it. And Alex, she knew Lena missed Kara. But she respected Kara’s wishes and left her alone. So, only Kara could fix it. To both Nia and Alex’s dismay, however, Kara didn’t take the hint. She instead started going on date after date after date with various people. She never got past date one, with any of them.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other thing that changed is that Kara was more comfortable now asking her friends to tell her stories about their interactions. Nia in particular tended to share the most stories. She talked about their trip to Nia’s hometown and about how Kara told Nia about herself. She told Kara about their work together at Catco and as Superheroes. She talked about the day-to-day stuff. She even told Kara about her relationship with Brainy. The feelings of betrayal and distrust that followed. It was something Nia was still working through, which is why they were nothing more than friends right now.

Nia also didn’t shy away from talking about Lena, whenever she was involved in any of her stories. She talked about her in the way she talked about everyone else. Kara kept her emotions in check, but she particularly loved to hear stories involving Lena. Nia shares how Lena helped in various missions. She talked about having a get together on Kara’s roof when Brainy got drunk. Kara finds that she loves hearing these stories. But again, at the end of the day, she finds herself wondering about the one person she doesn’t talk to directly anymore. And she sighs, knowing it is her own fault.

Kara hadn’t seen Lena since her welcome back press announcement. She knew that Catco sometimes ran articles about Lcorp. But they hadn’t had anything come up related to Lcorp in several months. Neither had Lena had any assassination attempts for Supergirl to swoop in and save her from.

Which is why, when the opportunity presented itself, she jumped on it.

It happened quickly; Andrea sent a simple email to Kara.

_Nia called in sick. You need to cover for her and do the interview at Lcorp. – Andrea_

Kara read and reread the email five times before she realized what had happened. She found it odd that Nia was sick considering they just had game night last night. But she decided not to question it. She immediately went home to change her clothes. She wanted to be looking top notch if she was going to finally see Lena again. Once home, she remembers her sister’s advice.

_Always go with blue, it goes with your eyes._

It was a couple hours later that Kara found herself just outside Lcorp pacing. While she had initially been excited about the prospect, she was now very, very nervous. She was chewing the inside of her cheek as she finally dragged herself into Lcorp at five minutes before 11. When she got to the top floor, she greeted the receptionist, who clearly recognized her. Luckily, there was a name plate at the front of her desk. 

“Ms. Danvers? We haven’t seen you at Lcorp in months.” The personal assistant of Lena – Jess - said, surprise written on her face. Kara smiled brightly. “Yes, I took some personal time away from the city. But I am actually here for official Lcorp business. The interview with Ms. Luthor for Catco Magazine.” Jess’s smile faltered slightly, apparently sad that Kara was here only for business, which kind of surprised Kara. Apparently Jess was used to seeing Kara a lot before she lost her memories.

“Yes of course, Lena is finishing up a meeting elsewhere. You can go ahead into her office and wait for her there.” Kara gave Jess a gracious smile as she walked into the office…

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the interview, one of Kara’s walls comes down. She no longer avoids talking about Lena with Alex or Nia directly, and even raves to them both about how well the interview went when she gets lunch with the two of them a few days later.

“So… are you going to see her again?” Alex asks when Kara finally stops talking to take a breath. She looks at Alex, surprised by the question. “Um… no? I mean, I got everything I need for the article… so I don’t think I need to reach out to her again for anything.” Kara’s voice shifting completing from excited to a more neutral tone. Alex and Nia share a knowing glance. Nia speaks up next. “I think what Alex is asking if you might want to see Lena again, in a nonprofessional capacity.” Kara glances from Nia to Alex and back again. She sighs. “You guys know what I did before I left for Midvale… I can’t just burst back into her life like that…” Alex reaches across the table and gives Kara’s hand a squeeze. “You don’t know Kara; she might want you to.” But Kara couldn’t hear of it, shaking her head side to side. “I know I hurt her… I can’t do it again… I’m sure she is busy anyway with running Lcorp and everything else in her life…”

Again, Alex and Nia share a look, this time sadder. Both women know Kara is missing Lena in her life, even if she doesn’t want to admit it. And Alex knows how Lena is doing, because she gets dinner with her every few weeks. But, per her agreement with Lena, no one else is to know. So, she doesn’t bring it up or share information about Lena that wouldn’t otherwise be known. But, no matter how much gentle nudging Nia and Alex do, Kara seems convinced Lena wants nothing to do with her. So, they let it go for now.

In the following days and weeks, both Nia and Alex could tell though. Kara was starting to run herself ragged between Catco and being Supergirl. She rarely made time to go on dates. And in fact, it was shortly after the interview that she stopped dating all together, choosing instead to focus on her careers. Or at least, that’s what she told Alex, who gave her a stern look before dropping it all together. Her sister was an adult and could make decision on her own, after all. That didn’t stop Alex from continuing to drop hints about Lena though. And Nia continued to tell stories to Kara about their history, though more and more of them focused on Lena. Kara of course loved every story, especially those that included Lena. Alex picked up on this, and started volunteering her own stories that included Lena, from the story of Lena betraying her own mother to help them, to Lena helping with the Daxamite invasion, to Lena saving millions of people by building the large transmat portal during the Crisis. She did that despite not being on good terms with the Superfriends, Alex made sure to point out.

And through it all, Kara started to find that she had a much better picture of Lena Luthor. She wanted to do good, to be good, to help the people of Earth. Just like Kara, except she did that in ways vastly different – using her brain and scientific resources to do so. Not only that, but Alex even owned up to how she used Kara whenever Kara was trying to fix things with Lena. And talks about how Lex manipulated Lena and Kara several times without them realizing it. Those stories help Kara understand better exactly what happened and how things went wrong between her and Lena. It feels good for her to finally have the full version of stories, instead of the cliff notes she had been given all those months ago.

But as she does put more and more of the pieces together, she feels an even stronger urge to connect with Lena again. If Kara is being honest with herself, she knows that desire has been inside her for a long time now, but she is finally letting herself feel it. And it terrifies her because she knows she pushed Lena away. She just isn’t sure if it is for good or not. But she is also scared about seeking her out, trying to reconnect. What if Lena wants nothing to do with her anymore? It has been several months since she left the letter. What is she to do? How does one go about fixing a friendship? What if Kara realizes she wants more than that, but Lena doesn’t anymore?

And that swirling mix of emotions and thoughts keeps Kara from acting on any of it. Instead, she continues to throw herself into her work as Kara and as Supergirl.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a couple months after the interview that another opportunity arose for her to see Lena. Or, at least, try to. Alex was asking Kara what she wanted to do for her birthday. Kara realized she didn’t care what she did as long as she might have the chance to see Lena.

“Alex, whatever you want to do is fine. But like, can you do me a favor?” Alex gives Kara a curious look. “Sure, what do you need?” Kara sighs and looks away, scanning her apartment, trying to find the words. “Nothing… never mind.”

“No, you don’t get to do that. Kara, come on, tell me.” Alex is insistent, firm in her voice. She can tell Kara has a big ask of her, but she wants her to ask. She has a tiny ray of hope that she knows what it is. Plus, she would do anything for Kara. She watches her sister squirm under her stern look for a minute, wringing her hands together, pulling at her shirt.

“Kara?”

“Alright, ok. I was going to ask you to invite Lena to whatever you decide we should do for my birthday.” Kara blurts it out quickly, afraid that she will chicken out again if she doesn’t. Alex pulls her sister in for a hug, surprising Kara for a moment before she sinks into it, not realizing she needed it so much.

“Hey, you know I will do anything for you Kara. So of course, I will invite Lena to your birthday shenanigans, whatever we decide to do.”

Alex went on to pretend to forget to plan the party until last minute, and tells Kara that they will have to do something the day after her actual Earth Birthday, so she can have all of their friends – Lena included – at Al’s bar for Kara’s surprise party.

It takes a little less convincing than Alex expected, to convince Lena to attend the party. She isn’t sure how she managed it, but Lena is finally opening herself back up to Kara and the other Superfriends. Alex wears the biggest smile she has worn in weeks when she leaves Lena’s penthouse that night.

Alex smiles even more brightly when she sees Kara, completely surprised by the party but even more so when she finally sees Lena. She is practically speechless for a moment. And Alex has a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, Kara has finally found her way home again.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! I'm also on twitter and instagram @ forever_angsty.


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